Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
