this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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