I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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