You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
