sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
