He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
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Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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