Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
