we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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