after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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