Dual....:-)
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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