so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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