I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
