I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
