in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
