sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
