I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
