I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
