All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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