you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
