I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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