batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
