she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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