i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
