Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
