Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
