There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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