I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
