Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
