I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
