Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
