She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
