I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
