have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
