i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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