He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
