no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
