My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
