no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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