WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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