wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She said her name was "party"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
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Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.