my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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