Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
