My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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