You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Drunk is not a location!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
