They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high