i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house