apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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