After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
