the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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