Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
