We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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