Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
