i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
