You made me cry and you don't even care
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
