Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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