don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
