Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
