Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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