Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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