so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
