I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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