She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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