There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
