True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
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sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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